where do i go from here

where do i go from here. what to do with my life. ive got nothing left. i have no hope, no light. i dont know what to do or where to go, im stuck in a hell that wont go away. its hovering over me, and killing me slowly. i can feel it. i can feel the pain deepening. what the hell. why the fuck am i such a fucking idiot. why the fuck cant i be a normal person. why the hell am i cursed with so much fucking pride or dignity or whatever the fuck else it is called as to not want anyone to fucking care or worry. its a fucking curse that just ruins my fucking life. i am so done with it. i hate myself, and i hate this world. fuck christmas presents. fuck my so called bright future, its not there anymore. its just not. i have no reason to want to be around here anymore. im done. there is nothing left. my mind is gone. its not there. heart, yeah that's gone too. fuck the soul. mine is bad. so heres my goodbye. power to the people, peace out.

oh, and since i apparently NEVER showed it. thank you for confirming the fact that i am a good for nothing bitch. never knows when she has a good thing until she loses it. yep thats me. more power to ya. i did love you. all i did was fantasize about you. i alwayss told you i loved you, i stayed up just like you did. we stayed up together. the dreams of cuddlin and hugging and just plahying around are gone. so much for promises. made by you or me. then again, i never was good enough. i was terrible. no wonder im always single. i never get it. you not understanding no that was an understatement, you nderstood just fine. its me. it always was. scared of love because i couldnt shift my mind away from the painful parts of it. wheres that left me? i put myself through this hurt. thanks. i suddenly realize it. then again, i doubt you'll ever see this. so one last time ill announce my love, now cold and distant since you left. funny, it wasnt more than an hour or so ago... yet im already going through a living fucking hell. crying and falling into my nightmares again. ne last time for the i love you. you know who you are.


Goodbye.

A few things to say

When you find that... special someone, in your life, you just know. it might take some time for you to figure it out, it might be immediately, but you know. i have my perfect somebody ^---^ He is simply amazing. He listens, he talks, he is my best friend, he talks about us, i trust him, he is just perfect. he has no idea im typing this XD but he knows im up to something :P He usually always does. XD This guy is awesome. he rocks. he rules. he is wonderful. hes amazing. hes perfect. he's mine. all mine. :D that makes me the happiest, and luckiest, girl in the world. EVER. XD ahahahahhahahaha. really, this is for him, really. XD I love him. no wait!

I LOVE YOU NATHAN!!!!!!

Oy!

It's Autumn! And that means the weather (SHOULD) be cooling off! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SO! With Autumn comes VERY much riding! FWWEEEEE! Bob is getting fat, so time to work him out as well! But this isn't about me or my horse. This is a special post. For a very special, very important person. This person, is everything to me. I get hot and cold when talking with them, my heart, it beats faster and slower at the same time! OH, my heart! OH, my love!

There have been times when doubt has probably cast a shadow out over this person about how I feel. I've never really ever truly publicly announced my feelings or anything ever. So I will do that now. This person, he is my heart, my soul, my life! Everything bad in my past, oh he's gone and helped me get over it all! I want nothing to do but be with him until my dying days, and even then, I want my last breath to be "I love you" Only to him! OH, NayNay I LOVE YOU! More than anything in the entire universe, world, etc etc!!! I cannot wait to visit you, I cannot wait to wear the ring you put on my finger, I cannot wait to say I do! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! :D AH! Okay, okay, I'm calm.

Excessive much?

I've chewed about twenty-five different places in my mouth... it's bleeding bad. i had stopped that habit, but its back now. what am I to do? im depressed. Schwa had stated we'd talk today, i havent seen any sign of him being on. why is it so hard to let go? why cant i just walk away without hurting? -falls onto bed face first- im done... im getting sick, and yes, really sick. i've vomited about ten times today, my fever is 104.1 and im sweating cold sweat yet i feel so hot... then the pains that shoot up my spine.... like icy hot knives branding their marks into my flesh. i feel terrible. i look terrible... not even a shower helped.

Just More Pain To Cope With

pain. most people don't think anything of it. but those who've experienced it over and over and over and over continuously one year straight without mercy really get ruined. take me for example. last year, i lost my son, my fiancee, my horse, my dog, and a bunch of rescues. this year, i lost the best thing ever. usually i wont cry over a lost friend or guy. i usually suck it up and move on. but schwa* leaving me hurt me the most. it hurt worse than losing my kid. it hurt worse than losing my mare, prissy. it hurt. he didnt even know he meant a lot to me. talk about a punch in the face. so i failed, once again, as a girlfriend, a friend, and a person. and the worst part? there's this terrible thought in my mind that keeps popping up. i cant tell him or anyone, because it'll just end up ruining things more. i had to end the friendship. this thought in my head would end up turning me rather rotten and i'd dig into him, causing him more pain than anything id've ever have done while with him. i hate how it keeps popping up. like now. its right there. in the front of my mind. killing me. i think i may go back to Evony if they ever open up a new server. i barely go onto VHR. equiverse still needs to be opened all the way. evony at least keeps me busy. but its always full of drama. so if i do happen to join evony, it'll be in an alliance that allows me to just lurk and not talk to anyone. no need for friends. im now going to devote myself to helping those in need. forget taking, i'll be giving. never take. i dont want anything now. nothing. no life, no soul, i dont want my heart, i dont want to be able to draw. this depression is getting bad. im typing here, where public can read it, yet do i care? no. im sick of life. im sick of pain. im tired of all this nonsense talk about love. i told myself not to fall. i told myself, i warned myself! guys are bad news. you always end up hurting. love as people call it is just another feeling. why should women need a man? sure, reproduce. all right. ever hear of artificial insemination? no need for man! how about adoption? go adopt one of those poor children instead of making more. this is bad. im hating everything right now. and art isnt helping, if anything, its making me worse. i am going to go through every file in my computer right now, and delete everything that has to do with schwa, sad as it may seem. but he is no longer mine, i have no right to any pictures of him. nothing. so ive gotta do what ive gotta do. also gotta do that with my phone. im in terrible pain. physical and emotional. i havent smiled at all in the last two days, and the one smile that schwa got was so weak im not sure if anybody saw it. it was like a twitch of the lips. and me, the one who has a dirty mind, a mindful of sex, well... not anymore. i dont make jokes like that, sex sounds disgusting right now. im feeling myself slipping away. im here physically, but my mental state is gone. its almost completely gone. ive withdrawn again... and this time, im not coming back i dont think. what little will i had left when schwa said goodbye.

NOTE: * name has been changed to protect individuality and yeah... whatever the other stuff if bla bla bla.

Practice/Meaning

Needed to practice tears. One More Sad Song by All American Rejects, though I've not actually listened to the song, It kind of matched my mood then.

I had another nightmare

I'm standing there, a single red rose dangling loosely in a hanging hand. The thorns are cutting into my palm, I know, because I can feel them. I squeeze the rose tighter, until I can feel the blood flowing through the lines of my skin, down to my nails and dripping to the floor. My eyes are unwavering. They are blank and bland. They are lifeless and dull. I'm wearing what seems to be a baggy t-shirt that is navy blue, and the jeans are torn and ripped, as if I had taken a knife to them. I'm barefoot. My hair hangs limply at my back, the ends reaching below my shoulders. Then this blinding light bursts into the dream, I shield my face, the rose going up to my head with my hand. When the light fades, I'm in this room. It's all white. No shadows, no hope. Just pure white. I fall into a sitting position, the rose is now with my hand on my knees. I sit there for who knows how long. I hear a steady drip, drip, drip, drip coming from somewhere. When I look around, I see the source. In a corner of the room, on the ceiling I'm guessing, is a dark red stain. It's dripping onto the floor. Crimson droplets splatter. The scent of blood is there. I scream, picking myself up to stand, the rose still in my hand. I turn around, and there's this image there. It's a silhouette of a man proposing to this woman... So sweet and romantic. Then it changes, they're married now, she's pregnant with a little one. It changes again, this time, they're in a court room, divorce... He leaves her for another woman, a better one. The pregnant woman is left alone. She cries, she's about six months pregnant, but she kills herself after he leaves. I back up rapidly, terrified of what the image had shown. I then remember the blood, and turn around, but it's gone. Instead, there's a curled up bundle of blankets there. I get curious, so I walk to it, and it moves. I freeze, my breathing hard and raspy. Sweat drips along my forehead, my palm is still bloodied and sore, and now swollen, from the rose thorns. The bundle moves again, then it leaps towards me. It grabs hold of me, then I see it's decaying face. Death wants to take me again. I struggle, screaming and fighting. But it's stronger than me. It keeps its hold, then it takes the rose and the rose withers away to ash... I cried at that, and somehow my brain had made me scream out a name... As if the name would save me from this dreadful beast. When I scream the name, the beast lets go, and it screams its own hideous cry. It vanishes. I am left there, with that name still ringing in my ears, still dancing on my tongue, and I whisper it two more times before I black out, and I fall. Then I wake up.