You've Always Been There To Dry My Tears

I'm not a complicated woman. I love animals, I love my family (though I don't show it), and I love myself. I own a horse... I've always owned horses, and many other animals. But horses are by far the greatest animal any girl could ever own. My horses, especially my Bob, have always been there when I'm upset. Bob is special. He knows. I try to hide it from him, but yet, he moves over to me and places his head into my arms, just cuddling. Like most women, all I want in life is a good husband, a family of kids, and a family pet. Love. I'm getting chills writing this. Love doesn't exist between a man and woman. Humans and animals can love, but only as a relationship of you give me house and food and I'll comfort you when you need it. That's what my animals do. My bonds with my animals have always been tighter than anything. And I'm proud of that. It means I can train anything to do anything. Bob though, will always hold a special place in my heart and soul. You see... on July 8, a terrible thing happened. It hurt worse than losing my son. By a mile or so. Now that's a lot. Well, I tried hard to hide it from everybody. But Bob knew. I sat in his corral with him, stroking his thick neck, staring at the ground aimlessly. Two hours went by. Then Bob placed his head onto my chest and whickered softly. He flicked his ears to face me, begging for the story. So I hugged him close and I rest my chin in between his ears as I told him everything. he didn't move a muscle during the whole thing, and I felt his warm breath on my legs. He listened. And when the tears started falling, he pulled himself away only to wrap his huge head and neck around my shoulder and pulled me close to him in a horse hug. That hug meant more than anything to me at that moment. At least I still have something to love me. To show me the love. You can't go wrong with the love of an animal. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He and all my animals have never let me down, and I don't think they ever will. They really are my true best friends. My animals have never tried leaving me, never tried to hurt me, which humans do try all the time, whether it be friends, enemies, fiancees, boyfriends, wives, husbands, or whatever, they end up hurting you. Sure an animal CAN hurt you, but they RARELY do it without provocation first.

So this image is to appreciate the gift I have been given. The chance to observe, experience, and cherish the love, companionship, trust, hope, faith, and friendship a horse can offer. They have always been there to dry my tears.

My nightmare... (1)

It's cold, so very cold. It's as if Death's very fingers are clutching my skin. The goosebumps that form are ever so prominent. I see a tunnel before me, long and dark... very tormenting. But there's a wall behind me, I have nowhere else to go but forward. So I take it one step at a time. I hear the thuds of my foot falls along the hard floor. It's not gravel, it's not asphalt or any other floor like that. It's almost as if it's glass. I don't want to look down. If I do, I know every fear of mine is down there. Every one of them will be looking up at me with red, hateful eyes. If I stop moving, they'll capture me, and pull me down with them, drowning me in a sea of fear, hard terrifying fear! So I keep walking slowly. My breathing is laboured, it's ragged and short. I don't see anything at the end of this tunnel, but the wall has followed me. It's closed me in from behind. I have no choice. My forehead is dappled with beads of sweat, my tongue traces my lips every so often. My throat is dry, it's kind of scratchy as well. How much further? My eyebrows are screwed up, forming a frown, yet my eyes, my dark brown eyes are shrouded with fear and paranoia. The feeling of claustrophobia is coming on strong. I try to usher the feeling away, but I find it impossible. Seems like my mind has stopped working. I can't think straight. A bunch of words are darting about in my mental highway. This way and that, colliding and forming new words, sentences, and the like. Something's missing. I feel so empty. I hear my heart. It's thumping so loud! It's unbearable! The thumping! The rhythm! I stumble, and I grab out to catch myself. I hear laughter. Not good laughter. It's taunting laughter, the kind you hear when being made fun of. I fall further, and I keep falling. I cover my head and face with my arms and scream. Tears begin to stain my face. But they're not normal tears. They're dyed crimson. Don't look down. Oh God, please don't let me look down. I keep screaming, my throat stripped now like sand paper, the pain numbs me. I end up looking down, and I see these flames. Black and blue, and even silver flames. I try to scream again, but now my mouth is gagged. Where'd that come from? I fight against the gag, my breathing now so laboured, sweat is pouring off my face. I keep falling, then abruptly hit something. It was a hard something. I lay there, breathing, the heat of my respiration forms a shroud of watery mist on the surface I now lay upon. Glass, apparently. The flames are right below the glass, they're licking it. But they're cold. Below freezing. I shiver, the gag still there. As I pick myself up to a sitting position, I hug myself, trying to warm up. That's when I hear something. It's breathing. Sharp, hard, and ragged as well. It's got a foul stench to it. And it's right behind me. I turn to look, and there's this huge monster, with these sharp teeth that hang out of it's mouth at a crooked angle. Its nose is shaped like a dogs, but it's the colour of blood. Its forked tongue slithers out of that dreadful smelling mouth and brushes against my face, creating a tingling feeling. I almost gag, but I hold it back. If I vomit, it wouldn't be good. It's huge, at least thirteen feet tall at the shoulder. It stands upon four legs, each the thickness of tree trunks. The claws on each of the three toes are sharp, jagged, and are green. Its coat is a black colour, with silver spots all over. The tail is at least seven feet, thick and strong, covered with more hair and barbs, probably venomous. Its eyes are the worst... Pupiless, white... empty. I struggle against myself, backing up at a speed unknown, not wanting the beast near me, but it grabs a hold of my ankle with that tongue and pulls me back. It pins me down with those talons and growls. The growl jiggles in my ear drums, so loud and sharp it's terribly painful. I flex my jaw and neck muscles, straining them so hard as well, the pain explodes. I finally hear myself scream, the gag is gone. I keep screaming, the beast only getting annoyed. It rears up, towering over me, and it crashes down, breathing heavy. I scream more, then stop suddenly. I feel the claw of the creature digging into my stomach. Hard and without mercy. Oh God the pain! It pulls its claw out and it walks away. I feel my flesh begin to get covered with my blood. I refuse to look, I'll pass out if I do. Then I feel the blood seep into my mouth, and it drips out. I have no way to escape this nasty taste. I have no way to escape Death. So I lay there, until I feel myself go limp, and my last breath was wasted upon the taste, smell, and thought of blood.

random again

it has come to my attention that i am what i hate. a jealous bastard. literally. i worry too much. way way too much. i've realized that recently. its going to be the death of me. stress, it ages the people it gets to, and its aging me just as much. to be s worried, so paranoid cant be healthy. i think i might try to get into therapy. this has to be fixed. and self-hypnosis may help for an hour or two, but the problems always come back... jealous freak. ugh.

but vegas was nice... have a newpuppy... now i dont have nthyhing to say.

bla

June 27 to July 5 or 6, I'm going to Vegas baby. Not exactly sure what we're going to do there, but we're going to go... Hopefully it'll take my mind off of last years event, which has its 1 yr anniversary coming up July 5. Yikes.

I completed my first realism. A black Arabian stallion. Sold Lakota. just typing to myself. I may start another realism. Another Arabian. I'm still putting off the hair cut my mum wants me to get... -sigh- guess thats it then.

it's ... Well untitled

Have you ever hurt someone so bad, that they just stop caring? have you ever let them think you were hateful, or hard-headed? Ever been called hard headed, spiteful, hateful, and stuck up? How about uncaring? Rude? Mean? as much as I hate showing it, those words are the very words that cut my soul. Not just my mental area, but also my soul... Sure. I was wrong. Sure, I did fuck up big time. I've done it my entire life. Or so I've heard. I began believing it, too. Like I said... I'm obviously nothing more than a stuck up Cali-fucking-fornia girl. I'll say it again right now. Oh wait, I just did.

I'm a rather tough girl. Able to dish out and take a lot of crap. But not when it's someone i love. I mean, wow. To have the nicest guy alive to call me all those, that really hurt. that says i REALLY fucked up. This specific guy is truly the nicest man alive, and I upset him so much that he decided to use all those words (all but liar) against me, to end up killing me. I barely even want to look at myself now, and here I am, typing up a blog post. I guess that's better than doing what i want to do. Then again, maybe going to my room, shutting off my phones, and not logging onto yahoo or any other chat thing would be a smart thing to do. I usually draw/colour when upset, now this is how you know I'm PAST upset, I'm downright wanting to die. just drop dead, limp, and cold. When i type when upset instead of draw or colour, thats not a good sign, and im using terrible grammar here too.

Its just one of those days where I fuck up. and i cant help but wonder if he'd be better off without knowing me. but its not like i can blurt that out... he thinks im uncaring, hateful, mean, rude, and now stuck up (hell i think he's thought that for a while). and he doesn't like the hair style I'm really used to. how good am i? for him to unlike things about me, that really tears me at the heart and soul. my hair, my fetishes, and my habits. he doesnt like them. therefore, am i really deserving of him? am i really good enough?

there's a deep deep deep fear in me that says he's not truly happy with me... but he hides it. Lord knows why... i mean, if you said you loved someone, wouldn't you alert them to your true feelings? wouldn't you allow them to know that you're not happy with them? he's my best friend, and i fucked up. just another day... just another wave of pain... just another person hurt and annoyed with me.

which leads me back to the lone wolf theory of mine. i've been called it before, and i've experienced it before, me as a loner, a lone wolf. even the cops around here have noticed im pretty much alone all the time. one had even pulled me over to ask me about it. that was an interesting conversation. but anyway... i think i'm good now, with the ranting.

but seriously... in his words: "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Do We Care?

Everyone values those that are in their possession. Human's are rather a distasteful animal. They kill each other, they just don't care. Some do. They care about that of which they truly value. What about our environment? Our oceans? No one is standing up to protect those, and the few that are... are they getting anywhere? No. This is becoming a serious problem. Ocean's are all over the world. There are things destroying them. Many forms of life live within the oceans depths. People, and a lot of people, use it for recreational purposes. Humans really aren't too concerned. The ocean is a magnificent place.

The ocean is getting destroyed a little more everyday. Pollution from factories, cars, and waste kill the animals. People litter, causing the trash to get caught by the tide, or being blown into the surf by the wind. Every little piece of trash poses a threat to every living creature in the ocean. As our oceans become more and more polluted, what's that going to do to the Earth? It'll slowly die too. If our oceans keep getting polluted, well, that'll really hit us hard. Factories tend to allow their waste from making their products drain into the water. People allow the oil and grease washed from their cars to leak into the drains. Waste from all around finds its way into our waters. This is a serious problem.

Many creatures call the ocean home. From the tiniest organism to the largest whale, everything makes it a home. With the threat of pollution growing more and more everyday, each of these creatures can die off, become extinct. Let's say krill, little tiny shrimp creatures, were to die off. Well if they die off, many whale species will follow, since they eat the krill. If the coral reefs die off hundreds, maybe even thousands of species of fish, octopi, eels, and other organisms will die. Once extinct, there is no fixing our mistakes. Sea otters, playful, frisky, and feisty creatures, are dying off due to pollution. Oil spills, whilst not always preventable, take a serious toll on animals. Many creatures of the ocean are endangered. If this keeps going on, they'll soon be extinct forever. Certain creatures are being aided in conservation efforts. SeaWorld and some other organizations, SeaWorld being a largely funded amusement park, work on conserving the ocean's inhabitants and the well-being of the waters. They can't do it alone though.

Many people, hundreds, thousands, millions even of people use the ocean everyday for recreational sport. Fishing, surfing, snorkeling, diving, scuba diving, swimming, and more are all done in the ocean. Some are done in competitive games, some are just for fun. Either way, if our oceans disappear, millions of people will be out of a hobby. Also, many people will be out of jobs. If our oceans disappear, so will many fun things. To take away from our oceans, to better ourselves and destroy our oceans is wrong.

Pollution, creatures, and recreation. All can be used to describe our oceans. They're depleting. Humans really are a distasteful breed of animal. Many of us only value what is ours. Many of us do not care about the oceans or the creatures that live within its boundaries. Only few people are standing up and speaking on our oceans behalf, I respect those people. I am one of those people. I care.
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Yeah. I was very... full of typing ability tonight. So please excuse this long... essay.

AAH RANTING!

GOD! I hate life sometimes! I had been able to sleep in and stay home, and ride for a week! Now I'm going to have to go back to walking my kid brother to school, wake up at 5 am.... AH! JUST AH! And on top of that? My two year old sister is staying home. -.- Oh I am not happy. Not happy at all.