June 27 to July 5 or 6, I'm going to Vegas baby. Not exactly sure what we're going to do there, but we're going to go... Hopefully it'll take my mind off of last years event, which has its 1 yr anniversary coming up July 5. Yikes.
I completed my first realism. A black Arabian stallion. Sold Lakota. just typing to myself. I may start another realism. Another Arabian. I'm still putting off the hair cut my mum wants me to get... -sigh- guess thats it then.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
Friday, June 4, 2010
it's ... Well untitled
Have you ever hurt someone so bad, that they just stop caring? have you ever let them think you were hateful, or hard-headed? Ever been called hard headed, spiteful, hateful, and stuck up? How about uncaring? Rude? Mean? as much as I hate showing it, those words are the very words that cut my soul. Not just my mental area, but also my soul... Sure. I was wrong. Sure, I did fuck up big time. I've done it my entire life. Or so I've heard. I began believing it, too. Like I said... I'm obviously nothing more than a stuck up Cali-fucking-fornia girl. I'll say it again right now. Oh wait, I just did.
I'm a rather tough girl. Able to dish out and take a lot of crap. But not when it's someone i love. I mean, wow. To have the nicest guy alive to call me all those, that really hurt. that says i REALLY fucked up. This specific guy is truly the nicest man alive, and I upset him so much that he decided to use all those words (all but liar) against me, to end up killing me. I barely even want to look at myself now, and here I am, typing up a blog post. I guess that's better than doing what i want to do. Then again, maybe going to my room, shutting off my phones, and not logging onto yahoo or any other chat thing would be a smart thing to do. I usually draw/colour when upset, now this is how you know I'm PAST upset, I'm downright wanting to die. just drop dead, limp, and cold. When i type when upset instead of draw or colour, thats not a good sign, and im using terrible grammar here too.
Its just one of those days where I fuck up. and i cant help but wonder if he'd be better off without knowing me. but its not like i can blurt that out... he thinks im uncaring, hateful, mean, rude, and now stuck up (hell i think he's thought that for a while). and he doesn't like the hair style I'm really used to. how good am i? for him to unlike things about me, that really tears me at the heart and soul. my hair, my fetishes, and my habits. he doesnt like them. therefore, am i really deserving of him? am i really good enough?
there's a deep deep deep fear in me that says he's not truly happy with me... but he hides it. Lord knows why... i mean, if you said you loved someone, wouldn't you alert them to your true feelings? wouldn't you allow them to know that you're not happy with them? he's my best friend, and i fucked up. just another day... just another wave of pain... just another person hurt and annoyed with me.
which leads me back to the lone wolf theory of mine. i've been called it before, and i've experienced it before, me as a loner, a lone wolf. even the cops around here have noticed im pretty much alone all the time. one had even pulled me over to ask me about it. that was an interesting conversation. but anyway... i think i'm good now, with the ranting.
but seriously... in his words: "What the hell is wrong with me?"
I'm a rather tough girl. Able to dish out and take a lot of crap. But not when it's someone i love. I mean, wow. To have the nicest guy alive to call me all those, that really hurt. that says i REALLY fucked up. This specific guy is truly the nicest man alive, and I upset him so much that he decided to use all those words (all but liar) against me, to end up killing me. I barely even want to look at myself now, and here I am, typing up a blog post. I guess that's better than doing what i want to do. Then again, maybe going to my room, shutting off my phones, and not logging onto yahoo or any other chat thing would be a smart thing to do. I usually draw/colour when upset, now this is how you know I'm PAST upset, I'm downright wanting to die. just drop dead, limp, and cold. When i type when upset instead of draw or colour, thats not a good sign, and im using terrible grammar here too.
Its just one of those days where I fuck up. and i cant help but wonder if he'd be better off without knowing me. but its not like i can blurt that out... he thinks im uncaring, hateful, mean, rude, and now stuck up (hell i think he's thought that for a while). and he doesn't like the hair style I'm really used to. how good am i? for him to unlike things about me, that really tears me at the heart and soul. my hair, my fetishes, and my habits. he doesnt like them. therefore, am i really deserving of him? am i really good enough?
there's a deep deep deep fear in me that says he's not truly happy with me... but he hides it. Lord knows why... i mean, if you said you loved someone, wouldn't you alert them to your true feelings? wouldn't you allow them to know that you're not happy with them? he's my best friend, and i fucked up. just another day... just another wave of pain... just another person hurt and annoyed with me.
which leads me back to the lone wolf theory of mine. i've been called it before, and i've experienced it before, me as a loner, a lone wolf. even the cops around here have noticed im pretty much alone all the time. one had even pulled me over to ask me about it. that was an interesting conversation. but anyway... i think i'm good now, with the ranting.
but seriously... in his words: "What the hell is wrong with me?"
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