where do i go from here

where do i go from here. what to do with my life. ive got nothing left. i have no hope, no light. i dont know what to do or where to go, im stuck in a hell that wont go away. its hovering over me, and killing me slowly. i can feel it. i can feel the pain deepening. what the hell. why the fuck am i such a fucking idiot. why the fuck cant i be a normal person. why the hell am i cursed with so much fucking pride or dignity or whatever the fuck else it is called as to not want anyone to fucking care or worry. its a fucking curse that just ruins my fucking life. i am so done with it. i hate myself, and i hate this world. fuck christmas presents. fuck my so called bright future, its not there anymore. its just not. i have no reason to want to be around here anymore. im done. there is nothing left. my mind is gone. its not there. heart, yeah that's gone too. fuck the soul. mine is bad. so heres my goodbye. power to the people, peace out.

oh, and since i apparently NEVER showed it. thank you for confirming the fact that i am a good for nothing bitch. never knows when she has a good thing until she loses it. yep thats me. more power to ya. i did love you. all i did was fantasize about you. i alwayss told you i loved you, i stayed up just like you did. we stayed up together. the dreams of cuddlin and hugging and just plahying around are gone. so much for promises. made by you or me. then again, i never was good enough. i was terrible. no wonder im always single. i never get it. you not understanding no that was an understatement, you nderstood just fine. its me. it always was. scared of love because i couldnt shift my mind away from the painful parts of it. wheres that left me? i put myself through this hurt. thanks. i suddenly realize it. then again, i doubt you'll ever see this. so one last time ill announce my love, now cold and distant since you left. funny, it wasnt more than an hour or so ago... yet im already going through a living fucking hell. crying and falling into my nightmares again. ne last time for the i love you. you know who you are.


Goodbye.

A few things to say

When you find that... special someone, in your life, you just know. it might take some time for you to figure it out, it might be immediately, but you know. i have my perfect somebody ^---^ He is simply amazing. He listens, he talks, he is my best friend, he talks about us, i trust him, he is just perfect. he has no idea im typing this XD but he knows im up to something :P He usually always does. XD This guy is awesome. he rocks. he rules. he is wonderful. hes amazing. hes perfect. he's mine. all mine. :D that makes me the happiest, and luckiest, girl in the world. EVER. XD ahahahahhahahaha. really, this is for him, really. XD I love him. no wait!

I LOVE YOU NATHAN!!!!!!

Oy!

It's Autumn! And that means the weather (SHOULD) be cooling off! WHOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! SO! With Autumn comes VERY much riding! FWWEEEEE! Bob is getting fat, so time to work him out as well! But this isn't about me or my horse. This is a special post. For a very special, very important person. This person, is everything to me. I get hot and cold when talking with them, my heart, it beats faster and slower at the same time! OH, my heart! OH, my love!

There have been times when doubt has probably cast a shadow out over this person about how I feel. I've never really ever truly publicly announced my feelings or anything ever. So I will do that now. This person, he is my heart, my soul, my life! Everything bad in my past, oh he's gone and helped me get over it all! I want nothing to do but be with him until my dying days, and even then, I want my last breath to be "I love you" Only to him! OH, NayNay I LOVE YOU! More than anything in the entire universe, world, etc etc!!! I cannot wait to visit you, I cannot wait to wear the ring you put on my finger, I cannot wait to say I do! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! ! :D AH! Okay, okay, I'm calm.

Excessive much?

I've chewed about twenty-five different places in my mouth... it's bleeding bad. i had stopped that habit, but its back now. what am I to do? im depressed. Schwa had stated we'd talk today, i havent seen any sign of him being on. why is it so hard to let go? why cant i just walk away without hurting? -falls onto bed face first- im done... im getting sick, and yes, really sick. i've vomited about ten times today, my fever is 104.1 and im sweating cold sweat yet i feel so hot... then the pains that shoot up my spine.... like icy hot knives branding their marks into my flesh. i feel terrible. i look terrible... not even a shower helped.

Just More Pain To Cope With

pain. most people don't think anything of it. but those who've experienced it over and over and over and over continuously one year straight without mercy really get ruined. take me for example. last year, i lost my son, my fiancee, my horse, my dog, and a bunch of rescues. this year, i lost the best thing ever. usually i wont cry over a lost friend or guy. i usually suck it up and move on. but schwa* leaving me hurt me the most. it hurt worse than losing my kid. it hurt worse than losing my mare, prissy. it hurt. he didnt even know he meant a lot to me. talk about a punch in the face. so i failed, once again, as a girlfriend, a friend, and a person. and the worst part? there's this terrible thought in my mind that keeps popping up. i cant tell him or anyone, because it'll just end up ruining things more. i had to end the friendship. this thought in my head would end up turning me rather rotten and i'd dig into him, causing him more pain than anything id've ever have done while with him. i hate how it keeps popping up. like now. its right there. in the front of my mind. killing me. i think i may go back to Evony if they ever open up a new server. i barely go onto VHR. equiverse still needs to be opened all the way. evony at least keeps me busy. but its always full of drama. so if i do happen to join evony, it'll be in an alliance that allows me to just lurk and not talk to anyone. no need for friends. im now going to devote myself to helping those in need. forget taking, i'll be giving. never take. i dont want anything now. nothing. no life, no soul, i dont want my heart, i dont want to be able to draw. this depression is getting bad. im typing here, where public can read it, yet do i care? no. im sick of life. im sick of pain. im tired of all this nonsense talk about love. i told myself not to fall. i told myself, i warned myself! guys are bad news. you always end up hurting. love as people call it is just another feeling. why should women need a man? sure, reproduce. all right. ever hear of artificial insemination? no need for man! how about adoption? go adopt one of those poor children instead of making more. this is bad. im hating everything right now. and art isnt helping, if anything, its making me worse. i am going to go through every file in my computer right now, and delete everything that has to do with schwa, sad as it may seem. but he is no longer mine, i have no right to any pictures of him. nothing. so ive gotta do what ive gotta do. also gotta do that with my phone. im in terrible pain. physical and emotional. i havent smiled at all in the last two days, and the one smile that schwa got was so weak im not sure if anybody saw it. it was like a twitch of the lips. and me, the one who has a dirty mind, a mindful of sex, well... not anymore. i dont make jokes like that, sex sounds disgusting right now. im feeling myself slipping away. im here physically, but my mental state is gone. its almost completely gone. ive withdrawn again... and this time, im not coming back i dont think. what little will i had left when schwa said goodbye.

NOTE: * name has been changed to protect individuality and yeah... whatever the other stuff if bla bla bla.

Practice/Meaning

Needed to practice tears. One More Sad Song by All American Rejects, though I've not actually listened to the song, It kind of matched my mood then.

I had another nightmare

I'm standing there, a single red rose dangling loosely in a hanging hand. The thorns are cutting into my palm, I know, because I can feel them. I squeeze the rose tighter, until I can feel the blood flowing through the lines of my skin, down to my nails and dripping to the floor. My eyes are unwavering. They are blank and bland. They are lifeless and dull. I'm wearing what seems to be a baggy t-shirt that is navy blue, and the jeans are torn and ripped, as if I had taken a knife to them. I'm barefoot. My hair hangs limply at my back, the ends reaching below my shoulders. Then this blinding light bursts into the dream, I shield my face, the rose going up to my head with my hand. When the light fades, I'm in this room. It's all white. No shadows, no hope. Just pure white. I fall into a sitting position, the rose is now with my hand on my knees. I sit there for who knows how long. I hear a steady drip, drip, drip, drip coming from somewhere. When I look around, I see the source. In a corner of the room, on the ceiling I'm guessing, is a dark red stain. It's dripping onto the floor. Crimson droplets splatter. The scent of blood is there. I scream, picking myself up to stand, the rose still in my hand. I turn around, and there's this image there. It's a silhouette of a man proposing to this woman... So sweet and romantic. Then it changes, they're married now, she's pregnant with a little one. It changes again, this time, they're in a court room, divorce... He leaves her for another woman, a better one. The pregnant woman is left alone. She cries, she's about six months pregnant, but she kills herself after he leaves. I back up rapidly, terrified of what the image had shown. I then remember the blood, and turn around, but it's gone. Instead, there's a curled up bundle of blankets there. I get curious, so I walk to it, and it moves. I freeze, my breathing hard and raspy. Sweat drips along my forehead, my palm is still bloodied and sore, and now swollen, from the rose thorns. The bundle moves again, then it leaps towards me. It grabs hold of me, then I see it's decaying face. Death wants to take me again. I struggle, screaming and fighting. But it's stronger than me. It keeps its hold, then it takes the rose and the rose withers away to ash... I cried at that, and somehow my brain had made me scream out a name... As if the name would save me from this dreadful beast. When I scream the name, the beast lets go, and it screams its own hideous cry. It vanishes. I am left there, with that name still ringing in my ears, still dancing on my tongue, and I whisper it two more times before I black out, and I fall. Then I wake up.

You've Always Been There To Dry My Tears

I'm not a complicated woman. I love animals, I love my family (though I don't show it), and I love myself. I own a horse... I've always owned horses, and many other animals. But horses are by far the greatest animal any girl could ever own. My horses, especially my Bob, have always been there when I'm upset. Bob is special. He knows. I try to hide it from him, but yet, he moves over to me and places his head into my arms, just cuddling. Like most women, all I want in life is a good husband, a family of kids, and a family pet. Love. I'm getting chills writing this. Love doesn't exist between a man and woman. Humans and animals can love, but only as a relationship of you give me house and food and I'll comfort you when you need it. That's what my animals do. My bonds with my animals have always been tighter than anything. And I'm proud of that. It means I can train anything to do anything. Bob though, will always hold a special place in my heart and soul. You see... on July 8, a terrible thing happened. It hurt worse than losing my son. By a mile or so. Now that's a lot. Well, I tried hard to hide it from everybody. But Bob knew. I sat in his corral with him, stroking his thick neck, staring at the ground aimlessly. Two hours went by. Then Bob placed his head onto my chest and whickered softly. He flicked his ears to face me, begging for the story. So I hugged him close and I rest my chin in between his ears as I told him everything. he didn't move a muscle during the whole thing, and I felt his warm breath on my legs. He listened. And when the tears started falling, he pulled himself away only to wrap his huge head and neck around my shoulder and pulled me close to him in a horse hug. That hug meant more than anything to me at that moment. At least I still have something to love me. To show me the love. You can't go wrong with the love of an animal. I wouldn't trade it for anything. He and all my animals have never let me down, and I don't think they ever will. They really are my true best friends. My animals have never tried leaving me, never tried to hurt me, which humans do try all the time, whether it be friends, enemies, fiancees, boyfriends, wives, husbands, or whatever, they end up hurting you. Sure an animal CAN hurt you, but they RARELY do it without provocation first.

So this image is to appreciate the gift I have been given. The chance to observe, experience, and cherish the love, companionship, trust, hope, faith, and friendship a horse can offer. They have always been there to dry my tears.

My nightmare... (1)

It's cold, so very cold. It's as if Death's very fingers are clutching my skin. The goosebumps that form are ever so prominent. I see a tunnel before me, long and dark... very tormenting. But there's a wall behind me, I have nowhere else to go but forward. So I take it one step at a time. I hear the thuds of my foot falls along the hard floor. It's not gravel, it's not asphalt or any other floor like that. It's almost as if it's glass. I don't want to look down. If I do, I know every fear of mine is down there. Every one of them will be looking up at me with red, hateful eyes. If I stop moving, they'll capture me, and pull me down with them, drowning me in a sea of fear, hard terrifying fear! So I keep walking slowly. My breathing is laboured, it's ragged and short. I don't see anything at the end of this tunnel, but the wall has followed me. It's closed me in from behind. I have no choice. My forehead is dappled with beads of sweat, my tongue traces my lips every so often. My throat is dry, it's kind of scratchy as well. How much further? My eyebrows are screwed up, forming a frown, yet my eyes, my dark brown eyes are shrouded with fear and paranoia. The feeling of claustrophobia is coming on strong. I try to usher the feeling away, but I find it impossible. Seems like my mind has stopped working. I can't think straight. A bunch of words are darting about in my mental highway. This way and that, colliding and forming new words, sentences, and the like. Something's missing. I feel so empty. I hear my heart. It's thumping so loud! It's unbearable! The thumping! The rhythm! I stumble, and I grab out to catch myself. I hear laughter. Not good laughter. It's taunting laughter, the kind you hear when being made fun of. I fall further, and I keep falling. I cover my head and face with my arms and scream. Tears begin to stain my face. But they're not normal tears. They're dyed crimson. Don't look down. Oh God, please don't let me look down. I keep screaming, my throat stripped now like sand paper, the pain numbs me. I end up looking down, and I see these flames. Black and blue, and even silver flames. I try to scream again, but now my mouth is gagged. Where'd that come from? I fight against the gag, my breathing now so laboured, sweat is pouring off my face. I keep falling, then abruptly hit something. It was a hard something. I lay there, breathing, the heat of my respiration forms a shroud of watery mist on the surface I now lay upon. Glass, apparently. The flames are right below the glass, they're licking it. But they're cold. Below freezing. I shiver, the gag still there. As I pick myself up to a sitting position, I hug myself, trying to warm up. That's when I hear something. It's breathing. Sharp, hard, and ragged as well. It's got a foul stench to it. And it's right behind me. I turn to look, and there's this huge monster, with these sharp teeth that hang out of it's mouth at a crooked angle. Its nose is shaped like a dogs, but it's the colour of blood. Its forked tongue slithers out of that dreadful smelling mouth and brushes against my face, creating a tingling feeling. I almost gag, but I hold it back. If I vomit, it wouldn't be good. It's huge, at least thirteen feet tall at the shoulder. It stands upon four legs, each the thickness of tree trunks. The claws on each of the three toes are sharp, jagged, and are green. Its coat is a black colour, with silver spots all over. The tail is at least seven feet, thick and strong, covered with more hair and barbs, probably venomous. Its eyes are the worst... Pupiless, white... empty. I struggle against myself, backing up at a speed unknown, not wanting the beast near me, but it grabs a hold of my ankle with that tongue and pulls me back. It pins me down with those talons and growls. The growl jiggles in my ear drums, so loud and sharp it's terribly painful. I flex my jaw and neck muscles, straining them so hard as well, the pain explodes. I finally hear myself scream, the gag is gone. I keep screaming, the beast only getting annoyed. It rears up, towering over me, and it crashes down, breathing heavy. I scream more, then stop suddenly. I feel the claw of the creature digging into my stomach. Hard and without mercy. Oh God the pain! It pulls its claw out and it walks away. I feel my flesh begin to get covered with my blood. I refuse to look, I'll pass out if I do. Then I feel the blood seep into my mouth, and it drips out. I have no way to escape this nasty taste. I have no way to escape Death. So I lay there, until I feel myself go limp, and my last breath was wasted upon the taste, smell, and thought of blood.

random again

it has come to my attention that i am what i hate. a jealous bastard. literally. i worry too much. way way too much. i've realized that recently. its going to be the death of me. stress, it ages the people it gets to, and its aging me just as much. to be s worried, so paranoid cant be healthy. i think i might try to get into therapy. this has to be fixed. and self-hypnosis may help for an hour or two, but the problems always come back... jealous freak. ugh.

but vegas was nice... have a newpuppy... now i dont have nthyhing to say.

bla

June 27 to July 5 or 6, I'm going to Vegas baby. Not exactly sure what we're going to do there, but we're going to go... Hopefully it'll take my mind off of last years event, which has its 1 yr anniversary coming up July 5. Yikes.

I completed my first realism. A black Arabian stallion. Sold Lakota. just typing to myself. I may start another realism. Another Arabian. I'm still putting off the hair cut my mum wants me to get... -sigh- guess thats it then.

it's ... Well untitled

Have you ever hurt someone so bad, that they just stop caring? have you ever let them think you were hateful, or hard-headed? Ever been called hard headed, spiteful, hateful, and stuck up? How about uncaring? Rude? Mean? as much as I hate showing it, those words are the very words that cut my soul. Not just my mental area, but also my soul... Sure. I was wrong. Sure, I did fuck up big time. I've done it my entire life. Or so I've heard. I began believing it, too. Like I said... I'm obviously nothing more than a stuck up Cali-fucking-fornia girl. I'll say it again right now. Oh wait, I just did.

I'm a rather tough girl. Able to dish out and take a lot of crap. But not when it's someone i love. I mean, wow. To have the nicest guy alive to call me all those, that really hurt. that says i REALLY fucked up. This specific guy is truly the nicest man alive, and I upset him so much that he decided to use all those words (all but liar) against me, to end up killing me. I barely even want to look at myself now, and here I am, typing up a blog post. I guess that's better than doing what i want to do. Then again, maybe going to my room, shutting off my phones, and not logging onto yahoo or any other chat thing would be a smart thing to do. I usually draw/colour when upset, now this is how you know I'm PAST upset, I'm downright wanting to die. just drop dead, limp, and cold. When i type when upset instead of draw or colour, thats not a good sign, and im using terrible grammar here too.

Its just one of those days where I fuck up. and i cant help but wonder if he'd be better off without knowing me. but its not like i can blurt that out... he thinks im uncaring, hateful, mean, rude, and now stuck up (hell i think he's thought that for a while). and he doesn't like the hair style I'm really used to. how good am i? for him to unlike things about me, that really tears me at the heart and soul. my hair, my fetishes, and my habits. he doesnt like them. therefore, am i really deserving of him? am i really good enough?

there's a deep deep deep fear in me that says he's not truly happy with me... but he hides it. Lord knows why... i mean, if you said you loved someone, wouldn't you alert them to your true feelings? wouldn't you allow them to know that you're not happy with them? he's my best friend, and i fucked up. just another day... just another wave of pain... just another person hurt and annoyed with me.

which leads me back to the lone wolf theory of mine. i've been called it before, and i've experienced it before, me as a loner, a lone wolf. even the cops around here have noticed im pretty much alone all the time. one had even pulled me over to ask me about it. that was an interesting conversation. but anyway... i think i'm good now, with the ranting.

but seriously... in his words: "What the hell is wrong with me?"

Do We Care?

Everyone values those that are in their possession. Human's are rather a distasteful animal. They kill each other, they just don't care. Some do. They care about that of which they truly value. What about our environment? Our oceans? No one is standing up to protect those, and the few that are... are they getting anywhere? No. This is becoming a serious problem. Ocean's are all over the world. There are things destroying them. Many forms of life live within the oceans depths. People, and a lot of people, use it for recreational purposes. Humans really aren't too concerned. The ocean is a magnificent place.

The ocean is getting destroyed a little more everyday. Pollution from factories, cars, and waste kill the animals. People litter, causing the trash to get caught by the tide, or being blown into the surf by the wind. Every little piece of trash poses a threat to every living creature in the ocean. As our oceans become more and more polluted, what's that going to do to the Earth? It'll slowly die too. If our oceans keep getting polluted, well, that'll really hit us hard. Factories tend to allow their waste from making their products drain into the water. People allow the oil and grease washed from their cars to leak into the drains. Waste from all around finds its way into our waters. This is a serious problem.

Many creatures call the ocean home. From the tiniest organism to the largest whale, everything makes it a home. With the threat of pollution growing more and more everyday, each of these creatures can die off, become extinct. Let's say krill, little tiny shrimp creatures, were to die off. Well if they die off, many whale species will follow, since they eat the krill. If the coral reefs die off hundreds, maybe even thousands of species of fish, octopi, eels, and other organisms will die. Once extinct, there is no fixing our mistakes. Sea otters, playful, frisky, and feisty creatures, are dying off due to pollution. Oil spills, whilst not always preventable, take a serious toll on animals. Many creatures of the ocean are endangered. If this keeps going on, they'll soon be extinct forever. Certain creatures are being aided in conservation efforts. SeaWorld and some other organizations, SeaWorld being a largely funded amusement park, work on conserving the ocean's inhabitants and the well-being of the waters. They can't do it alone though.

Many people, hundreds, thousands, millions even of people use the ocean everyday for recreational sport. Fishing, surfing, snorkeling, diving, scuba diving, swimming, and more are all done in the ocean. Some are done in competitive games, some are just for fun. Either way, if our oceans disappear, millions of people will be out of a hobby. Also, many people will be out of jobs. If our oceans disappear, so will many fun things. To take away from our oceans, to better ourselves and destroy our oceans is wrong.

Pollution, creatures, and recreation. All can be used to describe our oceans. They're depleting. Humans really are a distasteful breed of animal. Many of us only value what is ours. Many of us do not care about the oceans or the creatures that live within its boundaries. Only few people are standing up and speaking on our oceans behalf, I respect those people. I am one of those people. I care.
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Yeah. I was very... full of typing ability tonight. So please excuse this long... essay.

AAH RANTING!

GOD! I hate life sometimes! I had been able to sleep in and stay home, and ride for a week! Now I'm going to have to go back to walking my kid brother to school, wake up at 5 am.... AH! JUST AH! And on top of that? My two year old sister is staying home. -.- Oh I am not happy. Not happy at all.

It's The Random Ghost

What happens when you fall off a horse? You get straight back on. You know. I had a friend. He told me hw much he liked me, but he wasn't ready for a relationship. Whatever, I wasn't interested in him like that. Wednesday, he asked if I was going out on friday, to the club. Well I'm not, im babysitting. Ha. btu when i asked why he wanted to know, he said that he wanted to dance. oh well he cant. then he wrote me that he had something to tell me that would make me not want to talk to him again. okay, shoot it. so he did. and he wrote i kinda have a girl now. wtf. why do i care? go away. you weirdo. hahaha. apparently he thought i was into him that way? ugh men. i hate them sometimes. -rolls eyes-

ahahaha. i want to be a dinosaur. a spinosaurus. yes yes i do. haha. that'd be so cool. you know, being tall, taller than a 40 ft T-Rex! smashing things, and that loud trembling roar, the screeching of it, yet its so powerful you can hear it a mile away. the lng thick tail, the bony sail over the back, the bright green eyes with the slit pupil. ah man i'd love to be a spinosaurus.

my cat is going to pop anyday, and more kittens to be seen and cuddled. hehe. idk what else to say to a random post :P

I'll Wait For You

The snow in Montana was three feet high
The lady at the counter said: There ain't no flights
And so he called her on the telephone
He said: I'll rent a car and I'll drive home

And she said: I'll wait for you
Like I did last year
At Christmas time with your family here
And your truck broke down out in San Antone
And the gifts stayed wrapped until you got home
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you

Now he's on his cell phone in a Coupe Deville
Talkin' to the one he loves and always will
His heart is breakin' 'cause she's there alone
Her heart is achin' 'cause she wants him home
She says: I'll wait for you like in '68
When our child was due, but I said, he'll have to wait
Until his dad gets here and stands by my side
Remember, Dear, our son's first cry
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you

He didn't stop all day to eat a bite
And he finally got there around midnight
The doctor said, she's in a better place
She said to give this you this note just in case

And it said, I'll wait for you at Heaven's gate
Oh, I don't care how long it takes
And I'll tell Saint Pete I can't come in
Without my love and my best friend
Oh, this ain't nothin' new
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you
P.S. I love you, too
Sweetheart, I'll wait for you

A Couple Songs Women Would Simply LOVE A Man To Sing Or Play For Her

-You Had Me From Hello
-She Don't Know She's Beautiful
-She's More
-She's Everything
-Your Everything
-Carrying Your Love With Me
-Fall Into Me
-Forever and Ever Amen
-History in The Making
-I'd Come For You
-I'll Be The One
-I'm Already There
-I'm Your Man
-I Can Love You Like That
-I Swear
-I Got It All When I Got You
-I Knew I Loved You
-I Need You
-I Start Back At One
-I Wanna Love Somebody Like You
-If You're Not The One
-It Takes Two
-You're The Love I Wanna Be In
-Just To Be Your Man
-Just To See You Smile
-Kiss You Good Morning
-Last Day Of My Life
-Little Moments Like That
-Living Our Love Song
-Lost In This Moment
-Love Story
-Love You Out Loud
-Making Memories of Us
-My Kind of Woman, My Kind of Man
-My Love Goes On and ON
-No Rush
-Stealing Cinderella
-Take Me There
-Tangled Up In Your Love
-Then
-When You Say Nothing At All
-Why Dont You and I
-The World
-You're My Better Half
-You Are
-You Can't Hide Beautiful
-You Look Good In My Shirt

So those are the songs[I] Would personally LOVE to have sung or played to me :P

A Little Memory (2)

Valentines Day. You have a date planned with your boyfriend of 14 months. You two go to a nice dinner and laugh and cuddle, hold hands, kiss, and play. Then you steal a risky trip to the empty house. You play around there, have fun, then he takes you back to your grandparents, where you mother is due any minute. Risky, yes, you two knew that. He leaves, and you feel exuberant. The love of your life is now on his way home. He will text you when he arrives, to let you know he's safe. Five minutes later, your phone lights up. Yep, he's home safe. You go home shortly after. Goodnights are exchanged and you two go to sleep.

Next month, you miss your period. Oops. You call up a friend, asking her to get you a test. She does. You take it when it's been five weeks after Valentines day. Positive. Uh-oh. So you start feeling queasy throughout the days. His mother asks you if there is a possibility of being pregnant, and you say yes. So, your boyfriend gets mad, dumps you, then tells your mother. She's pissed. You feel alone. Soon, your whole family knows. Your grandparents hate the father. Your mother is disappointed in you, and not a day goes by without her yelling it at you.

So you ride your horse. It gets rid of stress. He's your only friend. The world has turned its back on you, and it doesn't welcome you anymore. But your horse understands your pain. You get morning sickness, you vomit almost everything you eat back up. Nothing sits well. Weird cravings hit. The father still scorns you. But he still talks, he threatens to take the kid once it's born. He says he doesn't believe you when you tell him you're still pregnant. The first appointment is in April, the father doesn't get to be there, he's at work, besides, on myspace, some chick that he's been talking to says she loves him. You're too hurt to care.

At the first appointment, you're 10 weeks pregnant. You hear your baby's heartbeat, see its first ultrasound, see your lil peanut. You go home. You text the father and confirm it with him, and he replies "I don't want a kid right now, and I especially don't want any with you." You're hurt once again, but you are already in love with your child, that heartbeat was what stole you away. You start researching. When the first kicks should be able to be felt and whatnot. Morning sickness still proceeds, worse even. No matter what, you vomit it back up. You get back with the father, and things begin to look up. You're able to go places with him more, you're allowed to be with him without anyone saying anything. You two are somewhat happy. You make plans to move out when you turn 18.

Second appointment, your man takes the day off to be there. He hears the heartbeat. Third appointment, he is there again. It looks as if he'll cry from the heartbeat. June 19, 2009, you go for the anatomy scan. They say the baby is perfect, if a lil ahead. The doctor looks, and it's a boy. You and the father brainstorm on names... Bradley Duane comes to life. Your son, your baby, your future. your dear, sweet Bradley.

July comes around, and something upsets the father, and you and him constantly fight, over text since he refuses to see you face to face, since he knows one look in your eyes, and he'll forget all anger. You can feel your son kick now. The bond is already so strong. And you lie on the ground, when you stop texting, and you are getting ready to go to a party at your boyfriends house. You feel your stomach and hold your hand there. You felt Bradley kick your hand. This means others will be able to feel him also. You get excited and text the dad telling him to hurry. But when he gets there, Bradley is asleep or just being a turd and won't move. So he doesn't get to feel him kick.

You and your boyfriend have fun, you don't really attend the party, you are lying in bed together. Happy to be with each other. Then you go home afterwards. The next day, the fighting starts again. He is sick of you not being 18, and having to live with your mother. He begins to threaten to take Bradley away again. You are hurt, but you fight the tears. Every night, you tell your son that you love him.

July 4, 2009, your mother asks if you want to go to the casino to go to the Pow-Wow and watch the fireworks for Independence Day or if you'd like to stay with your grandparents. You don't want to go. You want to stay and just sit down. You go to the bathroom, and when you stand up, you hear a loud splash. Dread racks your body. Looking down, you see the blood. You begin to shake uncontrollably, and you lose it. You grab your phone, struggling to dial the numbers. You walk out of the bathroom, to the living room, where a program is showing off a wondrous display of fireworks. It's simply gorgeous. You finally manage to hit those 10 digits. Your mother finally picks up, after what seems like an hour of waiting.

With a trembling voice you ask her, "Do I wait for you, or do I have grandma take me?" she asks what's wrong, why whats happened, take you where? You reply "To the hospital, I am bleeding profusely." She tells you to get your grandma. You go to her, and she takes you. You text your boyfriend, tell him you're going to the hospital. That relaxes you a little, even though you had just been fighting with him worse than ever thirty minutes before. As your grandmother looks for a parking place, Rascal Flatts song "Here Comes Goodbye" plays, and you despise that song at that moment. You are scared. Your boyfriend arrives a minute after you, but he acts as if he doesn't know you, maybe he's scared too.

You get submitted almost immediately, even with the wait they heard pregnant and bleeding and they let you go back. They place you in the labour and delivery room. You sit there, and they hook you up to a machine that monitors his heartbeat. Healthy. You are placed in a hospital gown, and blood is just running everywhere. You're tired of it. You lie down, and they have to put a towel and a blanket to catch it, so the blood doesn't stain the bed. You sit there, Bradley is having fun making the machine sounds jump and scratch by kicking you as hard as he can. His heart is still beating. The nurse comes in and re-adjusts it, since his heart faded. She finds it, and in a weak voice you ask if the beats per minute are normal. She smiles sweetly and says "Yes, honey, his heart is strong and healthy."

The ultrasound technician comes in and does the ultrasound. By this time, your mother, grandmother, and boyfriend are in the room. The man finishes his job and walks out, dragging his machine along. Thirty minutes go by. The nurse answers a phone call, it's the on-call doctor. She hands the phone to you, and you take it, trembling, and scared. She talks so sweet and kind though. She tells you it looks as if your cervix is opening, and if the baby comes, there's no way they're going to stop it. You hang up the phone, and your eyes are watering like those of a seal pup just exposed to the ocean. You fight as hard as possible, but they betray you and the tears fall. Your boyfriend rushes to your side, kneels down, and hides his face in your hand, and he cries. So you cry too.

The doctor arrives, and you are given two choices. You can choose to just go as you are, stay in the hospital and what happens, happens. Or, you can have a catheter placed in, and you can try to push the water sac back into your uterus and if it succeeds, have your cervix sewn to support the baby. You have to fight for your son, so you take the cath. As they insert it, you feel pain. You squeeze your boyfriends hand as tight as possible, trying to avert your attention. Finally it's done, but it still hurts like mad. You are left there. Your grandmother left to go home. Your mother leaves to handle your siblings. Your boyfriends mother and sister visits for a bit then leave. Your boyfriend stays, falls asleep sitting up by your bed holding your hand. He never leaves your side. He strokes your hair when you look at him. His eyes are pigmented blue at that moment, the colour they get when he's sad, or hurt, but they're not just any blue, they're a bright baby blue, he had been crying.

You go through the night, barely sleeping. Pain explodes all throughout your body. The next day, you get nauseas. Your mother stops for a visit, and you vomit. And as soon as you vomit, you cry hard. Because you know when you vomit, pressure moves downwards. You're placing pressure on your son and you know it. You vomit once more, and you finally get a little break from the vomiting. Five o' clock rolls around, and your aunt and uncle come to visit. Your uncle sits down, he's not into the whole birth and pregnancy thing. But he still came. That means a lot. Your aunt gently touches your boyfriends shoulder, then rubs your leg, asking you if you're all right.

You twist to the left, and you vomit, before you can answer, tears clinging to your face. But that's not the only thing that gets wet. You hear it, the nurse hears it, you cry harder. Your water just broke. The nurse gently asks your aunt and uncle to leave the room, and she checks. Your boyfriend grasps your hand tight. Later you find out your aunt and uncle feel terrible about being there when it happened. The doctor is called, and she states they're going to induce you into labour. An IV is inserted, and it hurts, but you have to have it. Your boyfriends mother, sister, father, your mother, your boyfriend, they're all there. 5:56 P.M, July 5, 2009, you give birth to your son, Bradley. 5:56 P.M., July 5, 2009, Bradley passed away.

You hold your son's body... then hand him to his daddy. His daddy holds him gently, then cries. You lose it even more, and you grab him and hold him as best as you can. At 10 P.M., you're allowed to leave the hospital. You leave, and you have a bag of memories. You go home, and you ignore everything. You go to bed. You wish you would just disappear. You wonder why this happened to you. Why... What did you do wrong?

The next few day's, you're beside yourself. You don't want to be alive. You're like a soul-less beast walking around with no purpose. No heart. Your boyfriend tries to cheer you up. But you push away. You want your son. You miss his kicks, you even miss the morning sickness. You want to rip your heart out. You aren't happy. You start feeling pain, from walking. You're sore from giving birth. Finally, you let your boyfriend come in. He cheers you up. One weekend, you even got to let him stay the night. Three nights, you two slept in each other's arms. Three amazing nights of just cuddling. You finally perk up. But still, you hurt.
---------------------------------------------------------------------

Bradley Duane Mcvay
May He Rest In Peace.


Since losing him, the father has left me, and is now seeing someone new. I am single still, but I'm going strong. I'm usually happy. I have my moments though.

I Hate The Way I Love You

You've got me walkin' up on air
And I'm afraid of heights
You fill my days with thoughts of you
then rob my sleep at night
I see another side of me
When you come into view
I hate the way I love you
But I do

I hate the way I miss you
Everytime you're not around
And the way you've got me thinkin'
It's time to settle down
I've tried to fight the feeling
But this time there's no use
I hate the way I love you
But I do

I always used to pride myself
I never lost control
When I felt I was in too deep
I'd pack my heart and go
Now I fall all to pieces
At the thought of losing you
I hate the way I love you
But I do

I hate the way I miss you
Everytime you're not around
And the way you've got me thinkin'
It's time to settle down
I've tried to fight the feeling
But this time there's no use
I hate the way I love you
But I do

I've tried to fight the feeling
But this time there's no use
I hate the way I love you
But I do
Oh I hate the way I love you
But I do


-Sung by Joe Nichols

Spazzie is being picked on D=

my uncle shoved a burger king hamburger in my face! as did my sister... my sister punched my right upper arm and left a bruise... FOUR times! -.-' im being picked on

Random Quotes/Sayings That Touch Me

Don't say you love me unless you really mean it, because I might do something crazy like believe it.

What I need to live has been given to me by the earth. Why I need to live has been given to me by you.

If I know what love is, it is because of you.

Trouble is a part of your life, and if you don't share it, you don't give the person that loves you enough chance to love you enough.

If I could be any part of you, I'd be your tears. To be conceived in your heart, born in your eyes, live on your cheeks, and die on your lips

Meeting you was fate, becoming your friend was a choice, but falling in love with you was beyond my control.

You know you're in love when you don't wanna go to sleep at night because your life is better than a dream.

When you love someone, you love the whole person, just as he or she is, and not as you would like them to be

Last night I looked up and matched each star with a reason why I love you; I was doing great, until I ran out of stars.

For it was not into my ear you whispered, but into my heart. It was not my lips you kissed, but my soul.

You don't love a woman because she is beautiful, but she is beautiful because you love her.

Some Random Artsies

1
2
3

5




10



I was pissed that day when I drew that O_o

14
15




18
19
20
21


anyway, I think I'll stop there with the random artsies.

So art is done... but my mind is swimming

I started listening to my iPod... the songs reeling, they go by and by, some with me singing along, some getting changed immediately, some I don't sing along with, but I listen...

As I listen, Carrie Underwood's "Just A Dream" comes on. and it makes me remember why I Swore off of military men. If I were to date one, and he got shipped off to war... and died... What would I do then? It made me remember, that as good as they are, I don't think I'd handle losing a lover that way.

Then more songs came on, more love songs, since that is what I'm really into, is my lil fairy tales. And I began to ache... long.. yearn for that love I'm missing... I wanna be able to say I'm in love... I wanna be able to say "yes that's my sweetheart..." I wanna say and hear "I love you.." I lost that August 1, 2009. Every girl's dream... to have a lover that loves her for her... her imperfections make her perfect for that special man in her life... The one who'll hold her when she cries, joke to make her laugh, knock some guy to the ground for being mean to her... And when she loses track of time and burns the cake for her man's birthday, he grabs her and tries to hide his laughter as the smoke detectors go off all over the house.

The man who will father their two kids... or more, if they're crazy like that. Who'll forgive small mistakes, like backing his truck into whatever, but forgets what it was because all he can remember is how her face was red and tears painted her eyes like watery blues and how she just covered her mouth... Or when she misreads the directions, and they get lost, but he holds her hand until they get it right... the one who'll make her soup when she's sick, read her a book, or tease her for taking so long in the bath or getting ready to go out.

The one who'll do anything for her... He'd learn that new dance to please her, buy her things when she least expects it, tickle her at random moments, maybe pinch her ass cheeks, playing of course. Or, coming home and he's exhausted, but he makes time and gives the rest of his energy to her, to make her happy. The one who'll offer to help with the kitchen or laundry or other chores around the house...

The one who'll make hard, slow, sweet love while making perfect eye contact, the one who'll take a bullet for her... you know the kind...

But as we all dream for that, we rarely get it. No longer do men like that exist. The ones that do are already taken, or don't find us good enough. Oh well.

Little Foal, Little Foal, You Look so Good

Completed. Finally. ^-^ So, Here he is.,,

Click, the suspension is killing you.

=]

Foal #3

I feel so free, so free, Here is Work In Progress Three!

Click?

^-^ He's getting some form

Lil Foal #2

So, continue working, yes I do... Here is Work In Progress Number Two!

Clickee

Keep on going, going, going, to finish this drawing before the sun's rays kiss my skin.

WIP 1 Lil Mouse Dun/Grulla Foal

WIP1


So, so far. Lines took me about 45 minutes to get right. I've never drawn this pose before, especially in a foal. D=

I chose a mouse dun/grulla colour, since I'm partial to those colours. Im also partial to black, buckskin, rose grey, dapple grey, steel grey, and blue roan. Beautiful colours, they are. ^-^ Problem is, with foals, they change colours as they grow up. =P

Sp one minute it can be black, but it'll be grey when its two. Pretty cool, huh?

Uh-Oh, We May Be In Trouble Here

Okay, so maybe not WORLD trouble, like... End-of-the-world. But still trouble. What kind of trouble? Me. Oh yes. Spazzie is the trouble that is brewing in this land. I am feeling rather mischievous right now. So, to curve this trouble, I am currently opening my best friend, Photoshop. Off to paint! Off to paint! Hell Yes!

Here is what I am aiming for....:
A Horse.

Yep. Intriguing isn't it? Fascinated? No, don't be, my art is ugly. >=D

So no need to care. Go on about your own business........ Hell, maybe I'll post WIP's (Works in progresses). MAYBE. I don't know.

Imagine That

Imagine...

You're in a new situation. Youre not feeling like your old self. You feel happy, no, wait, ecstatic, yes, you feel ecstatic. You look forward to seeing the bright sun hitting your window's glass surface, shining brightly, beaming off the window pane, and into your room. You no longer mope about. You have a spring in your step, a smile on your face, and you seem friendlier than ever before. Everything makes sense, but why?

Why is it that you suddenly enjoy life? Could it be a new diet? New exercise? New friends? No.

Only one word describes your sudden change... Love.

And when you feel it, you know it. Not... not that fake love that usually happens... but that true love...

Maybe he wasn't my TRUE love, but it was true love. I didn't love him, I was IN love with him. He was with me, too, for a time. The first time he kissed me, I felt love... I knew what I had wasn't any relationship from the past, it was a new experience for me.

My first love was when I was 16. I know, I was young, but that makes no difference. He himself was only 15 at the time that he and I became US. So it makes me wonder, were we ready for it? No. We weren't. We didn't last.

My mother disliked him, he was disrespectful. I didn't see it then, but I do now. He was my world then. I would've killed myself to save him if ever needed.

I knew it was love. Every time we made eye contact, I couldn't remain mad at him. Every time he kissed me, I had to hold him, otherwise, I would've floated away... Every time he touched me, I trembled... Every time he was around me, when not fighting, nothing bothered me.

I never thought of any other guy when I was with him, I refused to look at any other guy while I was with him. I devoted everything I had to him and only him. December 26, 2008, he proposed to me. He couldn't do it until I started picking on him. Then he popped the question. I didn't expect it. I cried, I really did. Two months later, the engagement was tossed. We lasted a year and a half. Within that time of dating, we had gone over 200,000 text messages, 50,000 minutes, 10,000 emails, and 50 letters. About 700,000 kisses, 1.2 million hugs, hand holds, and fooling around... We had fun. We wrestled, we tickled each other, we made each other laugh, he taught me how to drive... We did what every couple does... we had fun, we loved... but it didn't last. Unfortunately, first loves never die, you will always love them... No matter what. You can overwrite that memory, but its always there... always. It never leaves you. It will always be in your files. And it will pop up every now and then.

Spazzie and her part time job?

Aye, you heard the correct. Spaz now has a semi-part-time job. Some person wanted a dragon (modern chinese) for a tattoo. He is having me draw it. He said he'd pay me $40. Will he come through? Who knows. But it's a start to having my art career go. Ahahaha.

Ah The Faithful Mind...

Or maybe not so faithful after all. So, one can see many things... Yet we only store a tiny bit of the information or details we gather every day. It's always the things that happen the most or the things that mean a lot to us. It's never the tiny things. Like in a conversation, we never notice the tiny hints one might give to another. Or when face to face, one may not notice that hurt look in the eye of the other person when they say something hurtful, intentional or not. We really do see and hear what we want. Those who have that amazing ability to NOT only do that but to actually listen and notice, then they are outstanding people. I will respect those that actually listen. I will not let someone sit there and not listen to me when I know I have important things to say or show. My mind is almost always overflowing with crap. Romance, feisty attitude, random quotes, songs, quotes, old conversations, flashes from my past, all in all, I am never resting. My memory, my mind, they are always going on and on and on and on and on. Sometimes I wish I could freeze everything, so I can step back and admire that of which is there in that one moment. But it flashes by so fast, that I am not sure if it was real or not. Any takers? Didn't think so.

A Little Memory (1)

The day was crisp, it was cool. You walk up to your front door, unlock it, and the family follows you in. You all eat dinner. It's two days before the vet is due to come euthanize your 33 year old horse. There is a slight darkness hanging around the household. This was the third year you've owned her. Prissy was her name, and it fit her well. She was stuck up. Dinner is done. You go to your room and turn on your game system and fire up a game to play before sleep takes over. While playing, you get this dreadful feeling. Something isn't right. You pause your game, stand up, and walk outside. Your newest horse, a gelding named Bob, is whinnying. You hear hard thumps. Something isn't going right in the corral. You run down and jump the six foot fence as if it wasn't there. You see Bob, he comes up to you to rub his head on your hand. Then you see a dark bulge, struggling on the ground.

You move towards it, already knowing it's your horse. As you approach, you see her kicking her legs. A heavy weight hits you hard. Your throat gets this lump, and you just know she fell. Being old and having arthritis that already bites at her joints, this fall could mean the end. You gently place your hand on her cheek. With heavy footfalls, yet amazing speed, you race back up to the house to alert your mother. She comes out. There is nothing you can do. You call the vet who says give it the night. If she isn't better the next day, he'll come out early. So you sleep, though not very well. The next day, you wake up, Bob is penned up away alone, so he does not hurt or disturb Prissy. You feed him, then walk over to the still struggling Prissy who has moved to a new location. The smaller corral is where she lies now. Her body is lathered in cold sweat. The vet is called out, and he arrives at 8 am. You stand there as he walks over and analyzes the situation, then sets up the fatal dose that will put her to rest.

A mockingbird sits on the corral's top post, watching silently. You kneel down, and you grab hold of your best friends head. You gently pet her, cooing to her how good she is. How much you love her. As the vet administers the fatal dose, you still hold her, you kiss her muzzle and her cheek. A tear falls, then another, until it seems as if you're going to cry a river. Her cheek becomes saturated from the tears that have escaped your eyes tight grasp. The vet stands up, and he places his hand on your shoulder and says "You did the right thing, she's no longer in pain." You know it was the right thing, but you still feel horrible. The mockingbird gives a lone cry, as if it is crying with you, and when you look at it, it chirps once more, then flies off. The vet leaves. You stay with your horses body.

You decide to remove the blanket you had covered her with before the people came who would haul her body away. It is illegal to bury your animals where you live, so you cannot, even though you want to. You close her eyes for her, those once full of life eyes that now held the sky's reflection in them, death... dull... never again will they tell you a story. You then sit with her. You still pet her warm body. The truck arrives, and Bob won't look towards Prissy's body or the truck, he has his rear end to the action. He too is hurt. They attach the chain to her hind legs and drag her to the truck. With a feeling of disgust, you turn away, you can't watch as they load her up. They thank you, offer their sincere apologies, and drive off. You stand there, staring at the ground, where her hoof prints from her kicking still lay. They were engraved there, at least until you wiped them away, but do you? No. You leave them. You walk off, and undo the make shift corral Bob was placed in. He walks to the spot where Prissy was and lies down, smelling the ground. You feel more tears stain your cheeks.

With a slight breeze, you smell Prissy. She has passed. You know she's in a better place now. She's not in pain. Her hoofprints are engraved in your heart.

With a soft smile, you look upwards and close your eyes, and you tell the sky, "Prissy, I shall listen for your hoofbeats in Heaven."
--------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Prissy was a 33 year old Quarab mare. Sorrel in colour. She was a rescue mare I had purchased at the auction for $180. She proved to be the best horse a girl could have. She was put down November 8, 2007 at 8:56 am. She will forever be in my heart.

Everyone Has Different Tastes...

Spaz is no different. Here is a list of what Spaz likes/enjoys.

ANIMALS:
-Orcas
-Horses
-Snakes
-Spiders (yeah yeah, it's an arachnid, but it'll go under animals.)
-Dogs
-Cats
-Wolves
-Goats
-Sea Lions
-Birds

SONGS:
-Why Don't We Just Dance (Josh Turner)
-Innocence (Sarah Buxton)
-Mr. Policeman (Brad Paisley)
-Burn It To The Ground (Nickelback)
-Welcome To The Jungle (Guns N Roses)
-When You Say Nothing At All (Alison Kraus)
-Whiskey Lullabye (Brad Paisley/Dolly Parton)
-American Saturday Night (Brad Paisley)
-It's America (Rodeny Atkins)
-Sweet Thing (Keith Urban)
-Let's Make Love (Tim Mcgraw/Faith Hill)
-Like We Never Loved At All (Faith Hill/Tim Mcgraw)
-You Had Me At Hello (George Strait)
-Don't Make Me (Blake Shelton)
-She Wouldn't Be Gone (Blake Shelton)
-She's Everything (Brad Paisley)
-Your Everything (Keith Urban)
-Make My Brown Eyes Blue (I Don't Know the Artist)
-If You're Gonna Play In Texas (?)
-You've Got Five Minutes (?)
-White Liar (Miranda Lambert)
-Nobody Knows It(but me) (?)
-Sideways (Dierks Bentley)
-I Don't Love You Anymore (?)
-Little Too Late (Toby Keith)
-Courtesy of The Red, White, and Blue (Toby Keith)
-Good Time (Alan Jackson)
-Not Just The Beer Talking (Jason Aldean)
-You're the Love I Want To Be In (Jason Aldean)
-The Truth (Jason Aldean)
-Hick Town (Jason Aldean)
-Do You Wish It Was Me (Jason Aldean)
-Asphalt Cowboy (Jason Aldean)
-Even If I Wanted To (Jason Aldean)
-I Like It I Love It (Tim Mcgraw)
-Letter To Me (Brad Paisley)
-Party For Two (Shania Twain/Billy Currington)
-Must Be Doing Something Right (Billy Currington)
-Kerosene (Miranda Lambert)
-Consider Me Gone (Reba Mcentire)
-Any Man Of Mine (Shania Twain)
-Somebody To Love (Queen)
-I Need You (Tim Mcgraw/Faith Hill)
-Need You Now (Lady Antebellum)
-You're My Best Friend (Tim Mcgraw)
-Don't Take The Girl (Tim Mcgraw)
-Just To See You Smile (Tim Mcgraw)
-Love Story (Taylor Swift)
-You Belong With Me (Taylor Swift)
-Picture To Burn (Taylor Swift)

BOOKS:
-Eragon
-Eldest
-Brisingr
-Sorcerers Stone
-Chamber of Secrets
-Prisoner of Azkaban
-Goblet of Fire
-Order of the Phoenix
-Half-Blood Prince
-Deathly Hallows
-Bag of Bones
-The Mist
-Code Talker

MOVIES:
-New in Town
-Management
-Along Came Polly
-Dragon Hunters
-Monsters Vs. Aliens
-Half-Blood Prince
-Saving Private Ryan
-Avatar
-Cash
-Ghost rider
-Blades of Glory
-Talledega Nights
-Lion King
-Cinderella
-Snow White
-Shrek
-Sleeping Beauty
-Enchanted
-Night at The Museum

I think that's going to be it for now. I'll probably add more later.

Spaz has a Family Too, You Know!

Lol, interesting title. So, yes, I have a family too.

I am the oldest child out of four. I am 18 years young. then my younger sister, brother, and sister. The house is composed of me, my mama, my brother, and my baby sister, who is only two. My other sister is living with the grandparents because she's a jerk.

But that isn't my only family.

I have many others who live with me.

Lakota Sioux, my young 5 year old black quarter horse mare.
Bob, my 12 year old chestnut quarter horse gelding
SC, one of the rescues that is a border collie mix female.
Lily, another resuce puppy, she is border collie/labrador mix female
Tinkerbell, my 5 year old chihuahua female
Noni, my 5 month old long hair chocolate chihuahua female
Sparky's Battle Tank, my 7 month old purebred UKC registered Pit Bull male
Triple B Midnite Shadow, my 6 year old black purebred labrador male
Miss Kitty, my purebred 2 year old Ragdoll cat
Phantom, my half ragdoll female calico
Gadget, my 3 month old red ear slider female
Mittens, my 8 yr old mutt cat male
Samson, my 2 year old tabby male
and my fish. I have a lot of fish. ^-^

Get to Know Spaz

Well, first off, one thing you need, need, NEED to know is, Spazz is not afraid to hide her emotions. Usually, Spaz is a friendly, outgoing, young, frisky, wild, loving, loud, outspoken, fiery tempered, hot headed, stubborn girl. there are times when she is not herself, and tends to speak in third person... O_O

Okay, so I am a bit... weird. Off, if you will. As you'll see, I tend to change it from Spaz to Spazz to Spazzie, often. I am quite creative, seeing as I am an artist. Digital art, Traditional art... I tend to do digital art more now though. Photoshop Elements is my best friend. So. What else is there to know?

I am a hopeless romantic. I enjoy love stories. I have many hobbies, but mostly it is drawing, horseback riding, writing, and reading. Music is love, music is good. I love country, that is my rock... don't get me wrong. I also listen to Nickelback and some classic rock and stuff.

Listen here, I am highly protective. Those who meet me usually always get the same line... "I make a good friend, but I make an even better enemy." And that is true. Mess with someone that I consider a friend or family member, I WILL rip your throat out with my teeth.

I'm young, but I've been through a lot. Most people probably won't understand the pain that is hidden behind my smile. Since having certain events happen to me... I've now come to put others first always. I exhaust myself to please them. I make sure they're happy before I am. I do not want to see any person that I care for to be in trouble or pain. I would take all pain they had to help them if I could.

I am still in school. High School. Independent Study. I graduate June 2,2010. Then off to college for me.

Once I get out of high school, the college courses I must take are:
-Psychology
-Zoology
-Marine Biology
-Oceanography
-Exotic Animal Behaviour
-Exotic Animal Veterinary Sciences

All are to get one job. That is my dream job that I've had since I was three years old. I really want to get employed at Sea world San Diego to train the Killer whales.

After I get that job, About a year after, I want to go back to school. I will then decide whether to study:
-Tattoo Artistry
-Video Game Programming
-3D Animation
-Prop Modeling
-Creature Creation

So, first are my sciences and then my art.