pain. most people don't think anything of it. but those who've experienced it over and over and over and over continuously one year straight without mercy really get ruined. take me for example. last year, i lost my son, my fiancee, my horse, my dog, and a bunch of rescues. this year, i lost the best thing ever. usually i wont cry over a lost friend or guy. i usually suck it up and move on. but schwa* leaving me hurt me the most. it hurt worse than losing my kid. it hurt worse than losing my mare, prissy. it hurt. he didnt even know he meant a lot to me. talk about a punch in the face. so i failed, once again, as a girlfriend, a friend, and a person. and the worst part? there's this terrible thought in my mind that keeps popping up. i cant tell him or anyone, because it'll just end up ruining things more. i had to end the friendship. this thought in my head would end up turning me rather rotten and i'd dig into him, causing him more pain than anything id've ever have done while with him. i hate how it keeps popping up. like now. its right there. in the front of my mind. killing me. i think i may go back to Evony if they ever open up a new server. i barely go onto VHR. equiverse still needs to be opened all the way. evony at least keeps me busy. but its always full of drama. so if i do happen to join evony, it'll be in an alliance that allows me to just lurk and not talk to anyone. no need for friends. im now going to devote myself to helping those in need. forget taking, i'll be giving. never take. i dont want anything now. nothing. no life, no soul, i dont want my heart, i dont want to be able to draw. this depression is getting bad. im typing here, where public can read it, yet do i care? no. im sick of life. im sick of pain. im tired of all this nonsense talk about love. i told myself not to fall. i told myself, i warned myself! guys are bad news. you always end up hurting. love as people call it is just another feeling. why should women need a man? sure, reproduce. all right. ever hear of artificial insemination? no need for man! how about adoption? go adopt one of those poor children instead of making more. this is bad. im hating everything right now. and art isnt helping, if anything, its making me worse. i am going to go through every file in my computer right now, and delete everything that has to do with schwa, sad as it may seem. but he is no longer mine, i have no right to any pictures of him. nothing. so ive gotta do what ive gotta do. also gotta do that with my phone. im in terrible pain. physical and emotional. i havent smiled at all in the last two days, and the one smile that schwa got was so weak im not sure if anybody saw it. it was like a twitch of the lips. and me, the one who has a dirty mind, a mindful of sex, well... not anymore. i dont make jokes like that, sex sounds disgusting right now. im feeling myself slipping away. im here physically, but my mental state is gone. its almost completely gone. ive withdrawn again... and this time, im not coming back i dont think. what little will i had left when schwa said goodbye.
NOTE: * name has been changed to protect individuality and yeah... whatever the other stuff if bla bla bla.
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